Big swords and big idiots!
by Spartacat10
Summary: The Reds have a new recruit, they've all been sent to some medieval-fantasy place with a bunch of hot-bad ass chicks that Tucker s never able to make love to and someone they fought was dead may be still alive. Just great.


In a small town, twenty-four warriors were sent to a small town. Only four survived. Unbeknownst to them, a man was watching them. He wore white armor and a helmet that had a large gold faceplate.

He watched as the warriors fought monsters twice their size and won. How another monster that looked like a mix between a man and a lion came and killed all but five, injuring two of them.

He observed how one of them became more and more monstrous as the fight went on, eventually defeating it and chasing another to a volcano. Since he could not see into the volcano, he simply left, snowing falling all around him.

The town's name? Pieta.

* * *

"Simmons, give me back my smokes, you son of a bitch!"

It was another day in the valley known as Valhalla. Inside one of the bases, located right in front of a beach, a soldier in orange armor was chasing Simmons,wearing maroon armor, around a counter in a kitchen area.

"I'm not going to let you screw my lungs up like you did your's, Grif!" Simmons shouted.

"Screw you, I'm healthy!" Grif countered.

"In what world is 48 snack cakes healthy?" Simmons challenged.

Before Grif could answer, a voice came from the PA speaker.

"All troops get your asses to the meeting room, stat!" the voice ordered.

"Crap c'mon Grif, we gotta go!" Simmons said hurriedly.

"Not until you give me back my smokes." Grif demanded. In response, Simmons ripped the pack in half and deposited both sides in the trash can next to him.

"I f***ing hate you."

"The feeling is mutual, lets go."

* * *

The meeting room was a lobby-like area with a metal podium at one end. A soldier wearing red armour was standing on the podium, with another sitting on the staircase. Grif, Simmons, and a soldier wearing pink, were standing at the other end.

"Attention soldiers." The red trooper said in a gruff voice. "And Grif."

"Nice to see ya, Sarge!" Grif yelled sarcastically.

"We have an announcement for today." He paused for a second then continued.

"Command has seen it fit to bolster our ranks here." He motioned for the soldier at the staircase to come. He got up and walked to the front of the podium.

"Private Adrian Runo reporting sir." The soldier said, saluting.

"At ease private." The sarge said. He faced the other soldiers as Adrian hopped of the podium and joined the others.

"Also, our project that's been worked on for the past two months is at completion."Sarge announced. "Get your ass to the meeting room stat."

* * *

Five soldiers were waiting outside the red base. One wore purple armor, another wore green, the third wore dark blue, the fourth wore light blue, and the final one also wore light blue, but with a yellow trim.

"Alright."The blue-yellow one spoke hushed."I'll take the lead, Church(The light blue one) you're behind me. Followed by Tucker(The green one), Caboose(Dark blue) and Doc(Purple) we'll bring up the rear."

"Um, Wash? Question." Doc spoke up. "Why am I coming alone, I'm a pacifist remember?"

"First, the reason your is because if this turn into a firefight troops could get injured." Wash explained. "And second, of course I know you're a pacifist! Why would you think I would forget?"

"Why is Tucker closer to Church than me?" Caboose asked.

"Caboose, quiet. Doc, I get your point. Let's go."

* * *

The reds were standing in the holographic room. A soldier wearing brown armor was there to. In Front of them was a teleporter. It was hooked to a generator and a monitor, covered in green text.

"Soooo, what does this thing do?" Adrian asked confused.

"I'm glad you asked."Sarge spoke. "This, my troops, is the A-1 dimensional teleporter!"

"Um Sarge?" Simmons asked. "What are we going toooo-you want to acquire tech and support to destroy the blues."

"You can read me like a book." Sarge replied. Suddenly a loud shot rang out and the monitor cracked.

"Take cover!" Grif screamed. Everyone ran every which way as the blues charged from the elevator. The brown soldier ran over to a panel on the wall and pressed a button, causing a bunch of chest-high walls to materialize out of nowhere. Everyone ducked behind cover, Adrian found himself against a wall with Sarge.

"Sarge, what do we do?!" Adrian panicked.

"Fire back, that's what!" Sarge answered.

"All I have is a pistol!" Adrian screamed, a hint of panic in his voice.

"If it can kill a blue, itil do!" Sarge yelled slightly impatiently. Adrian frustratedly growled through his teeth, then peeked out of cover. Wash was running to cover closer to them, drawing two shots from Adrian.

The first hit him in the ankle, causing him to switch to hopping on one foot on his way to cover. The second shot clipped him in the side, he spun around once in a circle then fell down behind the cover.

The fight went on for several minutes until suddenly the elevator door opened and five reds and five blues fell out. Four of them were in one-on-one brawls, while the fifth red was holding a blue in a headlock.

Before anything could be said, the teleporter started to produce lighting, followed by a white flash. Right before the flash, the area became filled with vehicles and other equipment. After, nothing but chest-high walls.

* * *

Adrian groaned as his eyes slowly opened. The first thing he saw was snow, falling down heavily, but not a blizzard. He sat up slowly and looked around, taking in the surrounding area. He was on a hill gracefully curving downwards, covered in snow. Then he spotted a object distinctly out of place on the hill. He carefully stood up and walked towards it, finding no injuries. As it came closer into view, he recognized it. It was a sniper rifle, embedded in the snow.

He looked over it for a few moments, then he grabbed hold and yanked it out. He did a quick inspection of the gun, finding no apparent damages that would render the gun unusable, he slung it on his back and looked around, trying to decide which way to go. Suddenly, a voice came through over his radio. He quickly pressed a button on his helmet.

"This is Private Adrian Runo, of the Red army. Who am I speaking to?"

* * *

In a seemingly abandoned small town, elsewhere in the snowy area, two women were fighting. They wore plain white jumpsuits atop of which were several pieces of armor. Shin-high boots, large wrist guards, shoulder pieces and a partial skirt. A short grey cape was also on their outfits. One had black coverings on her arms,extending to just below her shoulders. She had pale blond hair in a bob cut, while the other had short pale brown hair. They both held swords too large for a human being, and the brown haired one carried two! There swords were locked together, the short haired one was holding hers in an x formation while the others sword pushing against them. Suddenly, the blond one tipped her sword forward, then stabbed. Just as suddenly, she stopped, the sword tip touching the others neck.

"I win." The one with the bob cut said simply. The two relaxed and sheathed their swords.

"You're getting better, Helen." The Brown haired one commented.

"Why thank you,Deneve." Helen replied cockily, getting a sigh from Deneve.

"Okay, now what should we-" Deneve started to ask but suddenly stopped. Voices could be heard on the edge of town. The two immediately dashed into a two-storey building. They watched from the windows as two people in strange armor walked into town.

* * *

"No Doc, I am NOT becoming a pusscifasct." Sarge said sternly.

"First off, it's pacifist. Second, I'm not even asking that. All I'm asking is that you consider dealing with those aggressive tendencies." Doc nagged. "We-"

"No." Sarge said gruffly.

"I have brochures for programs." Doc tempted.

"Weeell, maybe I can have a look. BUT LATER were in town." Sarge announced. The two were now standing in the town square.

"Hello? Helloooooooooooo?" Sarge called. "Him, nobody's here. Well, you go searching the buildings for anything useful and all go see if I contact the other reds."

"And the blues, right?" Doc asked.

"Right the blues, I'll make sure to get right on that." Sarge answered sarcastically.

As Doc walked off into one of the stone huts, Sarge activated his radio and began talking.

"Hello, can anyone hear me? Anyone?" He heard static followed by Adrian's voice with some static.

"This is Private Adrian Runo. Who am I speaking to?" He questioned.

"It's Sarge, your CO. What's your status?" Sarge answered.

"In the middle of nowhere but otherwise I'm okay." Adrian Replied. "What's your position, I'll head to you."

"Were in some sort of abandoned dark ages fair, the coordinates are..." Sarge said. As the two continued to talk over the radio, Doc had moved on to the building Helen and Deneve had hidden in.

As he searched through the main floor gripping under his breath about how "I shouldn't be doing this busy work." Helen spied on him while Deneve watched Sarge through the window.

"Are they part of the organization?" Deneve wondered aloud.

"Well, why don't we 'Ask' them?" Helen replied with a mischievous smile, while cracking her knuckles. For a few moments, Deneve attempted to think of a reason, failing to do that she simply said quietly "Just be quiet, okay?" Helen nodded and crept downstairs. Seeing his back was turned, she glanced over to where Sarge was a moment ago. Seeing that he seemed to have walked off, she quickly rushed Doc. Wrapping one arm around his throat while the other wrapped around his chest, she growled into his ear "Alert anyone and die!" Doc quickly nodded, then was dragged up the stairs.

* * *

Adrian's first thought upon seeing the village was "Damn, Sarge wasn't kidding about the dark ages thing." Sensing danger, he crouched down, then pulled out his sniper rifle. Scanning the place he spotted Sarge, and no one else. He lowered his rifle and ran to the place. Spotting him part of the there, Sarge began jogging toward him.

"There you are rookie, good to see someone here besides Doc." Sarge said once they were within speaking range.

"Yea, isn't he one of the blues?" Adrian asked as they began walking back towards the village.

"That's correct, but don't worry, we end up working together more times than I'd like to talk about." Sarge said as they arrived back in the square. "Doc, get out here and meet the new recruit! Doc? Doooc? Okay Doc, this isn't funny, you can stop it now!"

"Um Sarge? There's someone on the upper floor of that house." Adrian asked nervously, pointing to the windows of the house in question. Sarge looked up there just in time to see a silhouette move past a window.

"Well great, someones got Doc." Sarge declared somewhat annoyed. "Y'know I bet the other blue's don't end up in these kind of situation's."

* * *

"Um, Wash?"

"Tucker, unless it's a plan to get out of this, I don't want to hear it."

"Well it's not a plan, I just got the feeling someone called us the lucky one's."

"Us? The lucky ones? HAH. Currently we are trapped, hanging upside, and being looked at as dinner by a tentacle monster that turns into a nine-year old girl and her equally large moron boyfriend."

"Hey! Dauf not stupid!"

"Oh really? What's two plus two?"

"Twenty-two!"

"I rest my case."

* * *

A large man walked down a dirt road, trees to both side's. He wore white metal armor, similar to the reds and blues, but with a large round helmet, with a face-plate that covered practically the entire front. He walked down the path, until randomly slowed to a stop.

"Fancy armor!" A voice said loudly. "Mind if we have it?"

This threat was followed by several men walking out of the trees. Bandits.

"Oh, and don't think about running either, you'll be skewered before you can get five feet away." One of the bandits, the one who from earlier.

The man in armor slowly looked around, sizing up the situation, then he cracked his knuckles.

* * *

**And thus ends the revamped first chapter of 'Big Swords, Big Idiots'. Those smart people among you may notice that this is mostly just the first two chapters combined. Congrats, here's a cookie. Chapter two will be out 'Whenever I get around to finishing it.'**

**In other news, 'Vampire Lord' has been taken down for manners of personal dignity. And I'm on a Skyrim kick, so you might get lucky there.**

**Bye!**


End file.
